Should equals Shit

It was 2005 and I had chosen to have a career break - no more advertising, unsure as to what might be next professionally. I was exploring passion & purpose pathways and decided to invest in working with a psychologist. This seemed like a good idea and I was right!

The first time I met Graham Stanier, he welcomed me into his home. Being in England, the first thing he did was to offer me a good old ‘cuppa’. (That’s a cup of tea to the ill-educated)! He then sat me down and asked a great question -

‘Tell me Mike, what brings you here’?

This in itself, helps to pose brilliant questions to ask ourselves professionally, in our line and place of work. What has brought you to your current role and employer? Why are you doing what you’re doing? What’s your purpose? Are you being authentic in what you’re doing and showing up in accordance with your values?

All big questions.

Anyway, back to London. I think I spoke for 20 minutes without taking a breath. At the end of which, Graham said

‘Mike, there are two things that immediately strike me about you. One, you seem to have had a pathological aversion to saying the word ‘no’. And two, you’ve used the words should, could, would an awful lot’.

The significant weight and burden I’d carried on my shoulders for years, suddenly lightened.

And then Graham said ‘I have some advice for you Mike. For the rest of your life, whenever you think ‘should’, I want you to think ‘shit’. Genius! Graham had earnt his fees right there.

If we look at the word in more detail, we can see that should and shall are close cousins. Shouldindicates duty, probability or obligation, whereas shall indicates a strong intention or assertion about a future action. If we want to build accountability into our teams and organisations, I know where I’d put my money.

The point here is that language is a powerful force that shapes our thoughts, actions and emotions. Should is a sneaky word. While it may seem like a well-meaning piece of guidance, should is actually that annoying micro-manager who never lets you do your job in peace. It nags, guilt-trips and sets un-realistic expectations that make us feel like we’re failing at work.

It’s time to dump should, think shit, and get on with our lives and careers with clarity & confidence.

Should diminishes energy and surrenders to the rules of the body corporate. It sets up invisible, un-spoken rules about how work is supposed to go, dictated by outdated corporate traditions, overachieving colleagues and that one guy in the office who never seems stressed, but secretly is.

When we say, ‘I should stay late to prove my dedication’, ‘I should already have a promotion by now’, or ‘I should answer emails at 11pm’, we’re basically telling ourselves we’re not good enough.

Sidebar call out - how many of you reading this have gotten to a point in your life when you’ve been able to truly say to yourself ‘I am enough’? This happened for me for the first time when I was 52 years old. And to be honest, I still harbour doubts.

So, thanks should, you’re a real confidence booster!!

Even worse, should gets thrown around in office conversations like an un-welcome memo from HR.

‘You should speak up more in meetings’. Right, because interrupting the CEO is a great career move.

‘You should network more’. What, because awkward small talk over bad coffee is so enjoyable.

‘You should take on more projects to show initiative’. Sure, let me just add that to my overflowing to do list that I have, because of my pathological aversion to saying the word ‘no’!

Nor does should do us any favours at a bigger picture level.

It has a supreme talent for making us feel terrible about our career choices. ‘I should have taken that other job offer’, ‘I should have asked for a raise sooner’, ‘I should have read all 50 pages of that report instead of skimming it’. (Although no one else read it either)!

Instead of helping us move forward, should sits there like an over-bearing boss, reminding us of everything we could have done differently. It doesn’t offer solutions, more a fresh serving of guilt, like an all you can eat buffet of self-doubt.

It can create unnecessary career anxiety. ‘I should be in a leadership role by now’, ‘I should have a five-year plan’, ‘I should love my job more’. Relax. Most careers aren’t a perfectly curated LinkedIn profile. No one has it all figured out. Just look at Gallup's 2024 State of the Global Workplace report - 77% of employees are disengaged at work!! Far out, this is verging on criminal.

A mindset shift is required. We’ve established that should is a toxic workplace habit. It’s now time to quit and move on.

Instead of saying ‘should’, make it a new habit of using words that motivate and empower you. Swap I should or we should with I shall, I will, I am going to, I commit to etc.

Or even shit!

Mike Read- Chief Pig