Leading with curiosity versus judgment

Responding to childlike behaviour in the workplace

Reciprocity - the give/get principle. It might go something like this - I am on the receiving end of childlike behaviour, so I will respond in a judgmental way, probably laced with childishness! Unlikely to get a great outcome.

A friend of mine, Mick Miller (you’ve heard me mention him before), gave me this sound advice recently, when I was wrestling with how to deal with a personal matter.

'Mike, this sounds like childlike behaviour towards you. Are you going to respond like a child (with judgment), or as an adult (with curiosity)’?

One of the things I learnt about myself when I trekked to Everest Basecamp late last year, was how ridiculously judgmental I can be, often with immediacy thrown in for good measure. It was an uncomfortable truth.

Mick’s counsel was both timely and wise. I am indebted to him. I think we can all be.

Because, let’s be honest, sometimes, the workplace can be a bit like a kindergarten classroom. You’ve got the tantrum-throwers, the attention-seekers, the rule-breakers, and the ones who just want to be the teacher’s pet.

While we expect professionalism from adults, the truth is that stress, pressure, and personality quirks can bring out childlike behaviours in even the most competent professionals.

As leaders, we have a choice when faced with this: judge it or get curious about it.

The path with least resistance is judgment. When someone behaves in a way that seems immature - like sulking after a meeting, gossiping or needing constant validation - it’s tempting to roll our eyes and think, Seriously? Grow up.

You might be thinking the very same thing. But while this reaction is understandable, judgment rarely improves workplace culture. Instead, it creates distance, fuels resentment, and reinforces the very behaviour we find frustrating. If someone feels judged, they’re unlikely to reflect on their actions or change. Instead, they’ll double down, feeling misunderstood or unappreciated.

So, judgment might just be a leadership trap. We expect maturity - after all, they’re getting paid to be an adult! And we all too easily forget our own moments of childlike behaviour – remember that emotional email you fired off without thinking, or when your facial expressions and aura in a meeting gave the game away? Thought so.

But here’s the trade-off that demands our attention. You don’t have the time, and judgement is instant. Whereas curiosity takes effort, and the time you don’t have. (More on this fallacy in a future The Oink)!

The path with most resistance is, once again, the better one to take. It’s time to take the curiosity route.

What if we asked, ‘what’s really going on here’?

Think about it. People don’t act out for no reason. Childlike behaviour in adults often signals un-met needs, stress, insecurity or a lack of recognition. A great leader looks beyond the behaviour and gets curious about the cause. After all, we ALL have stuff going on, every day.

You don’t have to have a black couch in your office for therapy! But you might want to take a breath and pause before reacting. Or ask some questions, starting with ‘hey, I noticed you seemed frustrated in that meeting. Is everything ok’? You could use humour to diffuse a situation (only when appropriate of course), or give consideration to the possibility there’s something more significant in play. Might your colleague be feeling un-heard, overwhelmed or un-certain?

And arguably, more than anything else at your disposal, how about choosing to model the behaviours you want to see?

If you want emotional maturity, show everyone around you what this looks like, day in, day out. Don’t expect your people to show up and live the cultural code, if you’re not.

A culture of judgment makes people defensive, cautious and disengaged. A culture of curiosity fosters trust, learning and accountability. If your team knows you’re willing to understand, rather than just criticise, they’re more likely to be open, take feedback well and grow as a result.

At the end of the day, we all have our childlike moments. (I’d say I over-index in this regard - at least, this is what my nearest and dearest say about me, although I sometimes take this as a complement i.e., eternal youthfulness keeps me younger. It still works for my 98 year-old Dad, so I’m all in on this)!

But we’re also all adults. The question is, will we meet these moments of childlike behaviour with an exasperated sigh, or a curious mind?

The choice defines the kind of leader we become, and the culture we create.

Thanks Mick - you’re a bloody legend.

Mike